First World Problems (What I think at 5am)

I was almost hit by a speeding, honking, yellow cab in Soho tonight. It was the most fear I've ever felt for my physical well-being in all my life and my husband had to quickly push me across the street. It's 5am and I couldn't sleep so I lay there thinking about the American dream & about the 3rd world countries that I've been to. When we first arrived in New York City, we were driving from our (free) 4 star hotel in Times Square to our soon to be new home in Brooklyn almost every night to unpack boxes after Devo finished work. One day as he drove our comfy, 10 year old car, which we just bought in October, through Canal Street (very busy commerce area) rush hour traffic, I suddenly said, "I figured it out, this reminds me of a 3rd world country." This observation stems from my visits to my mom's home island of the Philippines and Mexico, which are both considered poverty-stricken countries. The thing about NYC, despite it's richness and money-making capabilities, is that in some areas, the chaos of overpopulated streets with humans jumping in front of moving cars to cross the street and everyone jockeying for position ahead of the next guy, whether car, bike or pedestrian, makes one feel as if there is no order whatsoever, much like streets in 3rd world cities. The sheer speed is enough to send me into heart palpitations and the cab almost hitting me gave me heartburn after such a delicious crepe for dinner. But the convenience of buying and getting anything you want at any moment: food, clothing, electronics, any random item you can imagine from anywhere in the world, is pretty amazing. The other day, my 3 year old daughter said for the first time, "I have a problen." (problem) and I found it so amusing, I laughed and asked, "What's your problen?" She said, "I can't find daddy's happy birthday bag so I can read the owl card!" I don't know why this was such a problem but I guess she just really wanted to see the card we made him last week. As I lay in bed thinking of her toddler problems, like "which of her 15 pairs of shoes should she wear today or, will we go to the library or not, or what flavor ice cream to get?" I then thought of children I saw in the Philippines who's daily problems are "where will I beg for food today, what should I steal so I can eat, where will I sleep tonight, will I ever have shoes to wear?" These are complete realities for millions of kids globally and I've personally stared into their eyes & felt their little hands touch me, begging for coins as I strolled through street markets, seeking souvenirs. I think of all the things I hear people complain about (She can't wear her $500 Manolo Blahnik heels because it's raining, or his $1700 laptop was stolen) and about how I tell Harmony exactly what my parents told me growing up: Eat your food, there are kids who have nothing to eat in other countries. The truth is, although the U.S. is a 1st world country, there are hundreds of people living below poverty level… meaning daily food, clothing and shelter are not a given, even with all the government programs in place to help them. In other countries, children literally live on top of trash heaps, digging for food or trash to make into clothes, shoes, shelter, or products to sell for a living. They have no providers, no parents, no keepers. In 3rd world cities I've passed their tin & cardboard "houses", some made with Tide boxes and tires, scrap metals, garbage; in the country side, homes of dirt, clay, grass, leaves, cow manure, bamboo. Basically whatever materials or good trash you can find, are treasures to be used and re-used, fixed and mended until they disintegrate… unlike our one-time-use, throw-away society where things "disappear" into a magical landfill where we never have to see them again. When I walk in NYC I see large garbage bags all over the sidewalks, they seem to have a good waste management system here, in which a worker goes through all the trash and separates it into larger bags of 3 colors depending on the material/destination: recyclables in clear, trash in black, bottles in blue. Last night, while waiting in the subway, I saw a train zoom by, devoted to transport of recyclables. Some people don't think twice about trash, they just toss it, but I tend to think a lot about it and sort of examine it with my eyes often. My child's future and health somewhat depend on what we do with our waste, in the sea, on land, in the air. It matters. It may seem trivial to some, just another "1st world problem", "going green", a hoax of global warming and pollution ruining our eco-system… but we went to the Museum of Natural History last week and I learned that each day, about 100 living species become extinct, that's about 30,000 unique species per year vanishing from our planet forever. And that's just counting the ones that we've already discovered… there are many animals, plants, insects etc that have never been found, yet have already disappeared. The oceans and forests are so vast, deep, wide, mysterious, and teeming with life that we know nothing of, yet what we do daily in our cities is killing their inhabitants, by felling trees and spreading air and water pollution with chemicals, plastics, pills, food production run-off, oil spills and more. If we see species dying off rapidly this way, it is a pre-cursor to what we are doing to ourselves. When I speak of this, my mom says, "Well the Earth has a way of regenerating, renewing itself." -which is absolutely true, and I respond with, "Yes and it's by wiping out what's on the face of the Earth so that it can re-boot." This has begun again, scientists say there have been 5 mass extinction processes so far on the Earth, and the last time that species were disappearing this rapidly was before the dinosaurs became extinct. There are still people living in the most remote places on Earth, on mountains, islands and in the bush, who know nothing of our "advanced" civilization and technological world, who stay close to the earth and sleep on dirt, dig, plant, or eat what they find & forage. They live as they always have, as their ancestors taught, they bother no one, live in peace, breathe fresh air, build huts, dance around fires, make instruments, play music, have babies, pick flowers, go barefoot, climb trees, and connect with spirits. They don't need more. They live simply and die simply, without a fight.

From Tall Trees to Tall Buildings

Well here we are, in NEW YORK CITY!!! This is the 4th city and state that I have lived in since I met my husband 6 years ago. It's also the 3rd state that our 3 year old has inhabited! That is quite a lot of moving and adjustment to various climates, regions, cultural differences and occupations. Our last month in Santa Cruz was busy and full of "goodbye gatherings", Harmony's 3rd Birthday Pizza Party, my bands' shows, and tying up loose ends. Devo now works for Converse Skate Shoes as Account Executive for the Northeast Region of the U.S. New York is the central spot for this position, so they relocated us, packed our house up, shipped our car, flew us East, and we are now staying in temporary company housing (a nice hotel) by Times Square a few blocks from his office. We flew here on March 19th and spent 3 days looking at 11 apartments, deciding on one in BROOKLYN, which we are now unpacking and settling into!

I have to say New York has been a bit overwhelming so far (to say the least), coming from a sleepy, little beach town like Santa Cruz, living 1 block to the ocean and hearing sea lions from our house every day. We lived within 10 miles of 3 state parks/ beaches/ redwoods and had basically 2 streets of "downtown" action to work with. Now we are in a cultural mecca full of concrete, cabs, loud sounds and art/music galore. We knew it was the right decision to move back East because we are so much closer to family now which is important to us, and financial stability is a huge plus! He can work from home and on the road, we've already been able to go to Massachusetts for a week to stay with Devo's parents while he worked, and it's amazing to have them less than 3 hours away, as well as my family's flights from Florida being much shorter. Harmony loves being with her grandparents and aunts, and I am so happy that she can build deeper relationships with them now as we see them more frequently.

I had to leave my 2 bands behind which saddened me terribly and is still a daily emotional battle. Although I know I can find "more bands" here, it takes time, energy and luck to find the right chemistry between musicians and lots of work to build a catalog of songs, learn the best writing method with a group, develop a good sound and build friendships with them. Both of my bands had just recorded our songs and one filmed a video which is being edited now. I have had a plethora of emotions running rampant during this 4 month transition (his job interview was in December), and I need to sing to vent and let it all out, so my search for new bandmates continues. I suppose all this transition gives me some new songwriting material!

We are excited to explore our new neighborhood, spend lots of time with family and old friends, start new projects, skateboard the city, have friends from Santa Cruz visit in June, go to Newport Folk Fest in July, and enjoy our homeland of New England once again. We love the Northeast and are glad to be back after 4 years away. Let the games begin!!!!

If It All Ends

This year has begun. 2012.
We started the year off at Lake Tahoe, sledding, walking, relaxing, dancing.
I can feel the change in the air. We have been discussing the End of The World scenarios with many friends. For the most part, a general consensus holds that it may not be such a bad thing if the "world as we know it" did, in fact, "end" this year. From various readings and schools of thought, perhaps just an end to the way we now view it, the beginning of a new, higher consciousness... whatever that is. We may all have our views of what consciousness means, of who is more conscious than others, of who has more answers, or knows the "truth" about any particular subject in this wide, yet so very small world. All I know is that I know nothing... did Socrates say that? I just think a lot of stuff. I think that the world could end any day. The world does end, every second for someone. The only certainties I suppose, that don't require some kind of faith are~ We're born, we live, we die. I do have faith in many things, but in things I cannot explain, cannot prove, cannot fathom at some points.

In the last year I've mentally compiled this list and have taken it upon myself to:
1. ALWAYS EXPECT THAT ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN.
2. NEVER BE SHOCKED BY ANY EVENT, OR ANY ACTION OF ANY PERSON OR GROUP OF PEOPLE.
3. KNOW THAT AS MUCH AS WE DISCOVER, WE MAY ALWAYS BE INTRODUCED TO SOMETHING NEW AND PERHAPS MORE REAL OR TRUE (whether a scientific advancement, new planet, galaxy, universe, being, spirituality, etc.)

Since I was young until now, I've had all these EPIC dreams of the world ending, armageddon, raptures, various deities making appearances, voices of gods, etc... THEY WERE NUTS. I'd wake up sweating, shaking, crying, praying, writing it down, calling friends, waking my husband, telling him the story before I forgot it.

Years ago, a band-mate of mine said "What's the worst thing that could happen...the end of the world...well the end of our lives are the end of our world, as far as we know, and when I think of it that way, it doesn't seem so scary."

If it all ends, well it ends. But for now, it is running, not smoothly, but running, cogs ,gears, twists and jolts, surprises round every bend, and new beginnings after each end. Perhaps every ending brings a new beginning, perhaps each "world" is meant to end and begin infinity times over, perhaps it already has... I haven't met a dinosaur lately, but I've heard they were here. I don't see "T-REX WAS HERE" carved on mountain-sides but hey, ya never know.

Orchards Brimming With Ripeness

There has been a lot going on lately in Santa Cruz. I've been busy here with my new band Orchards, playing shows, recording, writing new songs, and excited about it. Our songs feel fresh and ripe, and we love playing them.
Harmony is quickly growing and talking more each day, it's been really fun to hear all the additional vocabulary. I look forward to taking her sledding at Lake Tahoe in late December for the first time!! It's like reliving all these experiences over again from my own childhood when I get to see her reactions to new things daily. She's never woken up to run in new snow or built a snowman. She keeps talking about snowmen from books she reads. She saw Charlie Brown's Christmas tonight and said "I want to play in snow." I said soon. I remember this really good Zooey Deschanel movie called "Winter Passing" had a scene in which I thought "that snow on barren trees, with that grey sky, I know how that feels, I lived that for 20 years, but some people don't know that feeling, that 6 month winter deadness."
Sometimes, when I briefly glance out the window of my California home, I think I see snow, but then remember that it's my imagination or wishful thinking and it's really just a white reflection on a car.  
I miss the childhood feeling of that fresh layer of shimmering dust on the top of everything when I awaken in the morning.
I love the snow, I hate the cold.
It gets cold here in Santa Cruz often, and when I say cold I mean under 50 degrees.
Yes this ex-north-easterner has gotten soft when it comes to temperature, just because I lived in Florida for 2 years before California. But the truth is it's rather mild here year round and I was just spoiled by being able to swim all year in Florida.
I haven't swum in the ocean of Santa Cruz since we moved here 1.5 years ago. The summer before I moved out of Boston, I swam in the ocean once a week, in Maine, New Hampshire, north shore MA. I love ocean swimming. I need a wetsuit to swim here which defeats the whole purpose of the healing salt water running over my body and feeling the rush of the waves and gritty sand on my skin.
I have terrible circulation and fear I may freeze into an icicle if I live in the northeast ever again. But I do miss Boston, those cobblestone streets, familiar everything, wonderful Italian food, the different air in my home state, the distinct change of seasons.
Oh the seasons!!! The other day Hubs said "you know that feeling when that long winter changes to spring and the smell of taking a walk through town, I just don't get that here." I knew exactly what he meant. It's when the cherry blossoms start blooming all over the city and you take a walk through public gardens over that bridge by the swans just to smell their scent, picking up fallen petals to rub on your skin, and sticking branches of the pinkness in your hair. Then the petals fall looking like pink snow, but it's warm out. I love snow.

Vices & Devices

Old devices sit around collecting dust.
And we debate upon moving back east.
Every day.
I bought stuff years ago that I still have.
And I know I don't use it, but I can't seem to let it go.
So it all sits in the bottom of closets or in bins where I forget it exists, until I dig it up one day while seeking shoelaces.
Like that screen printing set I wanted to make mAjestic things with.
It never happened.
Or that old riveting device for putting rivets into fabric when I used to sew a lot and started making fanny packs in Boston.
There's that box of thread,lace,buttons that isn't touched nearly enough, and I miss sewing, but it takes too much effort to get the machine out and all the accoutrements necessary for a productive session of bobbing needles.
"What's your vice, since you don't drink?", they ask. "Everyone has a vice, so what's yours?"
The bobbing needle punching teeny holes into the paper or into the fabric and the thread weaving under and over and creating this perfect pattern, these lovely lines, this magnificent act of creation when something is produced and finished and sewn together to stay.
Sugar.
Sweetness.
Pure bliss with the tea and crumbs each afternoon.
Quiet, Sewing, hot tea, sugary snackies, good songs to sing along to.
=My vices.
Alcohol, rare, but yummy when imbibed, none of that daily nonsense eating at my liver, just the occasional delicious treat, so it really shines. Like that home-infused-pomegranate-vodka last week. Mmm. Just a tad.
"What do you miss most about Boston?"
The proper pubs?
The ice scrapers?
The loudest baseball fans on earth packed in the subway like sardines?
The pride of New England.
The 6 month winters.
The ease of interstate travel.
The close proximity to Europe.
The amazing live music every night in wonderful venues.
The smell in the air when you step off of the airplane onto home soil.
Mr. Butch (R.I.P.)
D.J. Night Train
Real clam chowdahhhhhh.
Michael's cannoli, the north end, the old Italian men.
Harvard Square.
Complaining about the snowstorm.
My tough exterior blocking the wind and biting cold that touches bones.
My greatest vice?
Missing things.
Missing you.

Today's Thoughts

You're standing in a place that you can't recall.
When all of it comes down upon you.
It's alright to say what you think.
It's alright to share how you feel.
It's alright to be who you are,
even when they tell you not to.
You can live this life any way that you want to.
You can choose any path that you find.
Let it find you.
It will.
I know.
It's true.
It's yours to make.
Make it yours.
Make all you can.
Use your hands.
It feels right.
It's All Right.

Honor

Today I honor my veteran father who passed away 4 years ago at age 48 after battling ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) for 5 years. He and my mom played a large role in having a bill passed by our government for giving proper healthcare aid to veterans with ALS. The bill now allows all veterans with ALS to have the highest level of VA benefits without having to prove that their disease is service related. In the past they had to fight to get any benefits, and it just isn't right that people who serve our country in some form have to also fight the government in order to receive health benefits that are due to them, especially when there has been so much evidence of service related onset of ALS in veterans of overseas service, which my dad was. He served in Saudi Arabia and in Korea and was exposed to chemicals, during bomb tests in the desert, which he believed was connected to his young onset of ALS, as it is for many veterans.

My mom spoke in the house and senate 3 years ago and on May 13th, 2008 (my dad's birthday) Florida's government declared May to be ALS awareness month.

I am proud of my parents' work at helping future veterans to receive care, and today I honor my dad, his marine dad and my mom's navy step-dad who fought in WWII.