So far, this year has been beautiful. Nice, warm weather and lots of happenings around here. On New Years' Eve we went to dinner at Malabar (delicious vegetarian Indonesian) with our friend Psalm. Devo has been getting good at playing banjo, which is exciting to hear. And ending today, was a gorgeous weekend for beaching with the fam, and busking with my band on the lovely streets of downtown Santa Cruz. I've been really pushing for the band to busk so that new ears can hear us, and it paid off as someone offered us a gig and we sold some cds. Oh January in California, how I love thee.
But I have felt lonely here, missing old friends. They say it takes a full 1-2 years to feel truly at home and build deep friendships in which people really know you, but I was just so used to having all my old friends around in MA, that now it seems so hard to make real, good friendships, since no one here knows my family or my past life. It definitely takes more effort to let new people in on a deeper level when you're so used to old friends just knowing everything about you since they'd been around your whole life. Why do I hold so tightly to the past? I want to live for today and to appreciate what's here now, but it can be difficult at times. It always seems my heart is longing for something far away... perhaps it's time to travel again...
T-i completely can relate to this post. sadly (i think between unplanned pregnancies and the like) it took me much much longer than two years to feel at home here. i still miss and long for HOME and friends there but i have finally settled into my role of mother and wife and teacher here. it took me about 3 1/2 years, but i've made it. i am in complete agreement though. it's not so much that i don't want the new friendships here, it's just a whole new way of learning to be friends. i kept trying to explain it to noah, i had SO MANY friends at home, why couldn't i make any here?? and it wasn't that i was not good at it, or that i didn't fit in here (as i often feel) but it was just a new way of doing it. everyone at home knew me before we decided we were friends for the most part. they were around me while i formed myself and accepted this jumbled up ball of confusion and exploration. and at the end of it i realized i had friends and they have just stayed that way. now here, i have to deal with the realization that i have to "teach" others about me in order for them to know me. it is such a strange concept, but i think i've realized over the past few years that i am still that confused, exploring person-just with new situations-and while the friends here might need to be caught up on what they have missed my first 23 years and may truly never understand that person no matter how often we talk about her, they are on the ride with the bluegrass me, the mother me. and that is so fun-not without its challenges-but fun.
ReplyDeleteahhhh i'm so glad you posted this!! makes me feel more understood and not so alone in the universe!! you have always had that effect on me!! haha!! :)