OUTDO YOURSELF

One of my favorite lines from a song is:

"May you never outgrow the need to outdo yourself." (Punch Brothers song-> Alex)

As soon as I heard it last year I knew it would stick, as it hit me like a brick or like a strong, crashing wave from behind... Today I was at the beach with my baby and she was knocked over because she turned her back to the waves.

I often open my eyes under the sea. There were two specific waves in my life that I vividly recall hitting me and pulling me down in the undertow. These two memories have stuck with me like that line of the song. The first of these waves was when I was very little, swimming off the East Coast with my dad. He lost sight of me for a minute and searched when he came up out of the water, as I had been sucked under for what felt like 3 full minutes, but was probably 30 seconds. As a kid, weak and ill-prepared for the surprise of that wave, I felt like I would be under the white, whooshing avalanche of sea-foam for an eternity, and imagined dying there. Eyes open, I watched as wave after wave kept washing over my head, making me feel buried deeper and deeper under the weight of the massive ocean, which was being swallowed and choked upon, until finally I breached the surface and sucked a huge gasp of air into my lungs.

Again, on my honeymoon in Hawaii I swam and was pulled down, being repeatedly knocked over by huge waves but this time able to stand up as my legs are stronger than before, but still having waves crash over my head to the point that hubs thought he may lose his new wife. Every time I regained balance to stand, I was knocked down and sucked under again, trying to simultaneously keep my bikini top in place, keep my wedding ring on my finger, gasp for air, and stand up... NOT an easy feat under Hawaiian waves!

Anyways, there are moments in our lives, words, songs, conversations, books, movies, people, that hit us like waves and stay with us for many years afterwords because they somehow made a difference or shifted our perception of ourselves or the world in which we live. The line from the song continuously makes me inquire: What am I doing in my life right now that goes above and beyond what I have done before; How am I outdoing myself? It's easy to measure ourselves up against others, as we try to outdo or contrast and compare ourselves to those around us, but for me, to truly measure the impact that my life is making in this world, I must exceed my former self. It is challenging to look at my own life and see in which areas I have actually grown or am growing at present. Am I growing as a person at all (besides my belly or butt) or have I become complacent, lacking in motivation or inspiration, passion dwindling, life passing me by while I watch bugs crawl? Well, lately I watch bugs crawl because it's what my toddler enjoys, but you know what I mean. I don't want to sit here twiddling my thumbs when I know that my life is full of opportunity, possibility, and unexplored horizons waiting to be discovered and revealed every single moment that I breathe. I know that I can always do more than I am currently doing to fulfill my dreams and goals, that I have not always done the utmost to outdo myself and become all that life allows for, which is nothing short of utter greatness... for each and every one of us, every day. I want to outdo myself and lately I have been putting a lot of thought into what my next step will be on this path to becoming the greatest me that I can be.

"When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it is over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world."

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
---Mary Oliver, poet living in Provincetown, Massachusetts